"I've decided since there is a Queen of England and a Prince William that there should be a king of America. I nominate myself for that role."

--- Spencer Pratt, to Us Magazine, on seriously changing his name to "King Spencer Pratt".

 "I wish I had a 9 to 5 job instead of the nightmare I'm living. This is 24/7. I don't even want to do taping for the show anymore."

-- Jon Gosselin, to reporters for UsMagazine.com, outside his $1.1 million home in Pennsylvania

"When I was a teenager, I saw Saturday Night Fever at our drive-in, but it wasn't the dancing that electrified me. It was the life and culture in Brooklyn. I'm from Missouri, the southern part of the Midwest in the U.S., and I never heard families talk that way to each other. From that point on, I wanted out to see more of the country and of life."

-- Brad Pitt, to German magazine Stern, on how John Travolta's dancing masterpiece made him want to be worldly

Go Brooklyn!

"You know what's so funny? I used to always think, 'I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it,' and then I just started thinking, you know, someone's got to represent the small girls. I mean, there are a lot of us out there ... they're not making all those small cup sizes just for me. Plus, I would think, why tamper with something? What if something went wrong?"

-- Kelly Ripa, to Access Hollywood, on why she never got a boob job

-Photo by Getty Images-
"I had just put the casket in the hearse and was watching it drive away, when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me. I said to her, 'You have a drink on you? You have a car?' She said, 'Daddy, it's me--Tatum!' I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it's my daughter. It's so sick."

-- Ryan O'Neal, in the new issue of Vanity Fair, recounting how he hit on his daughter, Tatum O'Neal, at the funeral of Farrah Fawcett.

Okay, so he hadn't seen her in a few years but, EW!

I'm seriously nauseous.

"You know Shia [La Beouf] is the new Tom Hanks, Rihanna is the new Beyonce. Everybody is the new somebody although none of us are any of those people so you just walk around with it, you live with it."

-- Megan Fox, on being referred to as "the new Angelina Jolie"

"I got told a couple of days ago that I look too skinny, and I was in trouble. I'm naturally pretty thin, so I'm trying. I eat whatever is at craft services. I'm a big eater. I'm from South Dakota, so meat, potatoes, carbs. They tell us to gain weight, gain weight, gain weight, because they want a soft, voluptuous woman which they were [back then] which is beautiful, as it should be."

--- Mad Men actress January Jones, are how producers want her to genuinely look like an average woman from the early '60s.

"Just be sure you don't hit the wrong button and end up putting a photo of your junk on Twitter. Trust me, you don't want those followers."

-- Brad Pitt, to Wired, on how it can be dangerous to text while going No. 2 

"If people are noticing my boobs in a movie and saying they do what real boobs do, then that's great. I'll be 34 in October. I can't keep getting away with [nudity]. There was so much of it in The Reader because the story required it, but people have seen enough of my bum and my boobs. I have to put them back."

--- Kate Winslet, to the new issue of Harper's Bazaar, on showing her goodies to the world

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"If I can't flaunt it at 20, come on! I mean I might as well show it now."

-- I Love You, Beth Cooper's Hayden Panettiere, on showing her goodies in her new flick

"I've actually never been taken on a date in my whole life. I have never had a one-night stand. I'm a real relationship person -- contrary to public perception . . . I get kind of emotionally involved very quickly, and I'm not going to spend time with someone unless I love them. But it's not hard for me to fall in love."

-- Sienna Miller, to the July issue of Vogue, on how easy it is for her to find love, but how nobody is shelling at $30 bucks for dinner and a movie 

Megan Fox almost doesn't look real in this photo from last night's Transformers 2 premiere in Berlin. Hello, legs!

And, in addition to the fact the actress is this damn sexy, Megan says she's also available.

"I'm currently what you would call single I guess," she said.

Which is bad news for her on-again off-again fiance, Brian Austin Green, but good news for every other breathing human. And, perhaps, costar Shia LaBeouf?

Just ridiculous.

"That I'd be on The Hills."

-- After telling Entertainment Weekly she doesn't want to still be making fluffy movies in five years, Transformers 2 star Megan Fox says hanging with Audrina and Speidi is her worst-case scenario

Tee-hee.

-Photo by Getty Images-
"Let me tell you, The Reader was not glamorous for me in terms of body-hair maintenance. I had to grow it in, because you can't have a landing strip in 1950, you know? And then because of years of waxing, as all of us girls know, it doesn't come back quite the way it used to. They even made me a merkin because they were so concerned that I might not be able to grow enough. I said, 'Guys, I am going to have to draw the line at a pubic wig. But you can shoot my snatch up close and personal.'"

-- Kate Winslet, to Allure, on getting the right, um, look, for her Oscar-winning role.

 

The woman said "snatch" -- man, I love her.

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"It's that Chace Crawford guy, right? We're thrilled! [Daughter] Sosie is a big fan. We met him at the White House Correspondent's Dinner. Kevin and he had a chat. He's very sweet. He has big shoes to fill!"

-- Kyra Sedgwick, on Chace Crawford taking over the role of Ren McCormack in the Footloose remake, which was originated by, none other than, her hubby, Kevin Bacon.

-Photo by Getty Images-
"I was at Stella McCartney's Paris fashion show with the vice president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, [PETA supporter] Paul McCartney and Kanye West. The entire time Kanye is going, 'They need more fur in this show'. He just wouldn't shut up about how he loved fur. I mean, he's saying this to me, the PETA guy and Paul McCartney! I was just so grossed out by him. I'm like, 'You're an idiot!' There are so many people who I think are a waste of skin and he's up there. I should wear him. Go on, donate yourself Kanye. People can wear your fur."

--- Animal-lover and vegetarian Pink, to Australia's FHM, on Kanye West's pro-fur tirade at a recent fashion show

Oh, how I love her.

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"Will I miss it? Yes, terribly. It's the most wonderful job ever in show business."

-- Jay Leno, in an interview about leaving The Tonight Show.

Jay will take his place behind the desk one more time tonight, after holding court there for 17 years. It was a good run, Jay!

"No one knows that woman; she's a complete ice queen, which is perfect. Why should she be any more? She doesn't owe us anything."

--- Evangeline Lilly, to Women's Health, on Angelina Jolie 

-Photo by Getty Images-
"I think I would have had sex a lot earlier. I think I would have been much more in touch with myself. I think I wouldn't have had issues with weight - I carried this protective 20 pounds [in college]. It was all connected. I think I would have lost my virginity earlier than I did at 22."

-- Brooke Shields, to Health, on being something of a late bloomer -- and not loving it!

 

This is a good topic for today -- are you happy with when you lost your virginity? Too early? Too late? Not yet? Let's talk a little -- share!

"People who put labels on themselves limit themselves. If you are a woman who's been labeled as a sex symbol, for instance -- I mean, I am not saying that's the label people would apply to me. But if you see yourself that way, inevitably you get to a point when you are no longer a sex symbol. And if you can't move past that, you're putting a limit on yourself; you're arresting your development. And that's where I think a lot of women get in trouble. I mean, I'm not 25 years old anymore, nor do I want to be. I wouldn't even want to go back to being 30. You know what I mean? That journey -- I've done it already. I don't want to do it again. It's a lot of work to get through it, and I am excited about moving forward. I think that people get caught up in getting back to some place that they already passed. Or to a place where you cannot stay."

-- Cameron Diaz, to the June issue of Vogue, on evolving as an actress and as a woman.  

"I've had to learn a hard lesson in that I'm not allowed to open car doors anymore. It was so hard for me to allow someone to take care of me. It's not because I can't take care of myself. But Jesse was like, 'Just let me do this.'"

-- Sandra Bullock, in the new issue of Harper's Bazaar, making us all wish the men in our lives were just like Jesse James [cue Cher song here].

"I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson - who I have nothing against -- but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've every learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard - but I do. And part of it is my own fault. I'm just really confident sexually, and I think that sort of oozes out of my pores. It's just there. It's something I don't have to turn on."

-- Megan Fox, to the new issue of Esquire, on dealing with stardom on her terms.

"I'm looking for an encyclopedia and a dictionary. A bit of the Boy Scouts Handbook. A person who is conscientious about the trail he leaves behind him. Love. Unconditional kindness. Basically, I'm looking for the qualities I revere in my friends."

-- Renee Zellweger, to Glamour, on what she's looking for in a man

-Photo by Getty Images--
"I'm only here for one season. That's what we've discussed. So we'll see what happens. Hopefully they'll keep me on."

-- Newest American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi, to TV Guide, on how we shouldn't get too used to seeing her. 

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"I'll never be back to 100 percent or have full recovery. I can't zipper my zipper or button my shirt without extreme pain. But I chalk it up as my own s---. These things had to happen. This accident is what I needed in my life. I'm not in control. For the first time, I can admit that and know that. I'm a fallible individual, and the hand is like a tattoo that says MISTAKE. It's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life."

--Transformers star Shia LaBeouf, in the June issue of Playboy, on how his little drunken joyride wrecked his hand forever.

It just doesn't get any dumber than this.

Check out this TMZ video of Paris Hilton, who says she's not worried about the swine flu breakout because she "doesn't eat that."

I was going to make the joke that, taking Paris' enlightened train of thought into consideration, vegetarians must not have to worry about chicken pox, but the sarcastic narrator on the video beat me to it.

Check it out.

"I'd be happy to go and deny it, because I'm not [gay]. But by denying it, I'm saying there is something shameful about it, and there isn't anything shameful. The questions about sexuality I find more here in America than anywhere else, because it's a big hang-up and defines what people think about themselves and others. It's not a big issue in Australia."

-- Hugh Jackman, to Parade, on constant speculation that he is gay